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Days long gone but found soon to be found again

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 14:31:24 -0600

Days long gone but found soon to be found again

When I get home from school....

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 18:44:38 -0600

When I get home from school....:

sodamnrelatable:

Photo

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 18:44:03 -0600

One day you realize...

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 23:11:48 -0600

One day you realize…. There’s no such thing as a fairy tale happy ever after….why? Bc growing up you believed no matter what your birth parents would always be each other true love and be together no matter what that they will love you and be right at your side bc you’re their most treasures possession. In my case. That’s a fucking huge ass lie.

One day you realize…. Prince Charming won’t ever exist bc you’re first love most likely won’t be your last. If anything he will be your first heart break. That no matter how much you love him, 9.9 times out of 10 you two will end up with someone else. Prince Charming is suppose to be your first love. The man that will forever be the first for everything. Lets me realistic now…when does that happen? It took 2 failed engagements, 1 abusive relationship, a many others in between to find the man I am with today. He’s truthfully the first REAL man I’ve been with.

One day you realize…. Happily ever after wont ever happen…why? Because no matter what, life will always throw a curve ball at your ass. There’s no such thug a stress free environment. There’s no true euphoria. All there is in this world for you to keep your sanity is it…. always expect the worst. Anticipate for everything to fuck up and be thrown back into your face as a huge fuck you. Strategically deal with the issues, make a plan and execute it, praying everything goes right and nothing fucks up. Always have a plan B,C,D,E etc. as back incase something goes wrong… just so that way every good thing that happens you’ll treat it like a blessing, and be more grateful for its entirety. So you won’t ever take it for granted…

Others view....of me

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 22:31:51 -0600

Recently I was told I’m too confrontational, naive, fat, and how disappointing I’ve become.

Well then let me explain why I am the way I am.

confrontational: why am I this way? Maybe it’s 23 years of being wronged, denied, disregarded, and disrespected. Especially, if I never ever let it out. I always stood silently. Bottling away the pain and only allowing tears to flow. I mean take a step in my shoes; after 23 years and still going on who wouldn’t be? Would you be angry and upset on a daily bases especially when it’s family. I’ve always been passive aggressive regarding my family. But how many times can you be wronged by them, and not want to shut them out….? How am I suppose to deal with it if I can argue back without being disrupted or shut out? Am I suppose to turn to drugs and alcohol? I mean what to do expect if I was never given the chance to vent or release it all? All I was and am able to do is self destructive…and end up going back to r.h. Again and again and no matter what the guys with ph.d said, you continuously did it either way….so what can I do?

Naive: ill admit I WAS naive. I was naive to think that my family would eventually be whole again, that they would e the family I alway wanted. A father who loved me and defended me, a mother who was nurturing, loving devoted to your success. Siblings who I could fight with and no matter what you did wrong. No matter how much of it was your fault they would stay unbiased and forever on your side without tainting their view of you. Yes I was naive to think that no matter what I had a “family”. Well behold my family. That is the exact opposite. A father who’s family harasses you for problems I can’t help with or control because I’ve never met them till now. All while he’s in hiding, caring for someone else’s kids…and the only time you hear from him is when he wants something. A mother who is never pleased with a thing you do. And reminds you every day you’re worthless and that every boyfriend who’s ever loved me all she could say was he’s too good for you, try not to fuck this up, siblings who turn the other cheek bc even though you’ve done wrong and they chat manage to my remind you every single conversation, expect that all the gossip they say bhund your back you wont find out bc they believe that you have no one since youre that worthless. So when someone tells me “hey at least you have family to count on!” All I can tell them is to “shove that idea up your assholes and shut the fuck up.”

Being fat: ill be the first among many to even admit. Yes I’ve gained weight. But don’t we all at some point? I’m sorry if I can’t be stick thin again and have a 22in waist anymore. That I’m not a size zero and extra extra small in everything else. Truthfully I’m happy I finally have some sort of curves and I don’t have to kill myself on maintaining a weight of 110. I mean I understand now why others would question if I have a eating disorder. It’s absolutely FUCKING ridiculous! I mean was I suppose to forever stay that size? If that was the case then a doctor needs to discover a solution to forever have a 15yr old’s metabolism to sustain what I was. B/c lets face it, I value food and other cuisines too much to give a flying fuck if I ever am that sizes again. At least I’m not over weight and im conscious over my intake.

A disappointment: what can I even say over this but sorry I chose not to meet your standards in life. Why? Bc I finally realized I will never ever be perfect enough for you even if I met those standards. I’m happy with myself and how I am doing things. I apologize if you can recognize my degree as something valid. Bc does it really matter if you do or not? Especially if you aren’t the one to employ me later on? Or that I’m or pretty or skinny or anything you want from me. But truthfully I’ve always known you never wanted me and when you had me, you wished I was a son instead of a daughter. I know I was the biggest regret of your life. And thank you for reminding me of this every single day. Because all that does is in the end once I finally achieved what I want, I won’t share the news or the success or anything with you. Because I don’t need to hear see or feel the disappointment of this isn’t good enough.

So tell me, how would you treat your family, if they did this to you?

Yes let me go ahead and say yes I’ve attempted and tried to take this is constructive criticism, I’ve tried to make this a motivation to strive for better. But at the end of the day, the end of the year, if they aren’t happy or satisfied what in the fucking hell are you suppose to do…? Besides drive yourself into a mental ward and claim insanity because all you’ve done is wasted years of pleasing someone else who can’t ever be satisfied with who you are, what you’ve become, how you physically look, and how you cope with things.

So truthfully, I’m grateful for my loving boyfriend who in all odds and has no completely understanding of what I go through, he still sympathizes and empathizes with me. He lets me be the vulgar confrontation person that I am. Because he understands that’s the only way I know how to let to it out from time to time. That even through I’m anger and infuriated, I still cry bc growing up that’s all I was allowed to do. Was to silently cry…. And he is someone who accepts loves and takes everything bitter negative thing about me. And doesn’t expect anything less than who I am. I’m also grateful for the friends I have. Bc they are my actual family. We not be related by blood but everything family is about is what they give me day in and day out. All the laughs, the fights, the tears, the teasing and everything else. They are someone I can count on. No matter what.

Photo

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 18:46:18 -0600

6 more days & it will be out 6 months. #lovehim #boyfriend...

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 17:21:26 -0600

6 more days & it will be out 6 months. #lovehim #boyfriend #bestboyfriend #myboof

zodiacsociety: How To Attract Good Fortune For Scorpio

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 23:11:40 -0600

zodiacsociety:

How To Attract Good Fortune For Scorpio

Photo

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 01:18:11 -0600

Meet my mr.amazing. We are almost at our 6 month mark and I...

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 01:02:38 -0600

Meet my mr.amazing. We are almost at our 6 month mark and I couldn’t ask for a sweeter, loving, caring, aggest, supportive, funny man in my life. In 6 months, we fell in love and cherish each other like tomorrow is our last day. #lovehim #bestboyfriend #myboof #ilovehim #boyfriend @alexantd 😘😍👫💏💑💛❤💋💌🐼🌹🎎💝❗❕❗❕❗❕❗♥

Awwww

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 23:57:04 -0600

Awwww

Where I start...

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 23:55:59 -0600

I want to first apologize to my follow that my hiatus went on longer than I wanted.

But after tonight I realized, I need to write and never stop. I need to begin my next fanfix story and I need to update my own world of words.

I’m sorry I should of never stopped. It’s finally time to detoxify my soul and purge my soul of every ounce of feeling.

From now on…it won’t ever stop again….

#cancun #cancun2012 #girlstrip #drinkdrankdrunk #wemisscancun...

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 12:50:48 -0500

#cancun #cancun2012 #girlstrip #drinkdrankdrunk #wemisscancun #vacationhigh (Taken with Instagram)

Oh how I miss all the sun, ocean breeze, and the scenic view....

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 12:38:52 -0500

Oh how I miss all the sun, ocean breeze, and the scenic view. Can we go back soon @vienphap ? #cancun #cancun2012 #girlstrip #nofilter 🌅🏊🍻🎉📷👙🍺 (Taken with Instagram)

Chocolate-tache & truffles. I seriously am beyond grateful...

Sat, 22 Sep 2012 17:41:54 -0500

Chocolate-tache & truffles. I seriously am beyond grateful to have such a amazing boyfriend. #truffles #cocoandres #chocolatemustache #boyfriend #myboof #surprises #heknowsmetoowell @alexantd (Taken with Instagram)

Last night at oktoberfest @alexantd ; such a wonderful...

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 09:34:33 -0500

Last night at oktoberfest @alexantd ; such a wonderful boyfriend #firstimegoingtogether #myboof #boyfriend #beer #food #carnival #rides 👫🍻 (Taken with Instagram at Addison Oktoberfest)

did-you-kno: Source

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 15:21:58 -0500

did-you-kno:

Source

Friday date night. :) @alexantd #datenight #boyfriend...

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 00:32:02 -0500

Friday date night. :) @alexantd #datenight #boyfriend #doubledate (Taken with Instagram at Main Event Entertainment)

Hawaii vs. USC. #gameday #ucs #trojans #fighton #victoryV✌...

Sat, 01 Sep 2012 11:22:57 -0500

Hawaii vs. USC. #gameday #ucs #trojans #fighton #victoryV✌ @alexantd thanks for the shirt bab! Lol (Taken with Instagram)

#insertyourowncaption #plush #missthebf #drinkdrankdrunk (Taken...

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 13:38:15 -0500

#insertyourowncaption #plush #missthebf #drinkdrankdrunk (Taken with Instagram)